Friday, December 12, 2014


Seven years. Seven Christmases. Seven Easters. Seven Summers. Seven Birthdays. Seven years asking God why. Somedays it feels like decades. Somedays the pain comes crashing through thick and fresh like it was yesterday. Most days I am fine, I forget to remember. I go weeks without remembering my little brother and what happened. I refuse to think that things are normal but like to think that I'm moving on. I read a quote one time about the pain of losing a love one never really leaves us but rather our hearts grow to be able to handle the pain. I still miss Noah, but if given the choice to have him back I don't think I could make that call. I'm happy with my life and I've seen good come out of my loss but I still miss him. I miss his annoying voice and how it drove me crazy when he called me sis. I miss his annoying face and his annoying self. I miss my annoying little brother. I miss the good and sometimes I forget the bad. The stealing and the lying, and pain of having someone who was bipolar in the same house. What's done is done and I've spent the last seven years moving forward and becoming a better person.

I've spent seven years hating this date. Dec. 12. I marks the anniversary of when my world came crashing down. It marks the end of the 21 year old girl I was. It marks the day I found out that my worse nightmares wouldn't kill me. It reminds me of who I was and what I could have been. It reminds me of all the people who left me. It reminds me of pain. It reminds me of what I've lost.

Perhaps that is the problem. Today reminds me of loss and pain. I normally spend today trying to numb that pain, but this year due to plans and schedule changes I think I'll embrace that pain. His life was worth it. I'll let the waves of grief wash over me and I'll push through. He was worth it, even as annoying as he was, I miss him. I’m past wondering what he would have grown into and wondering what kind of man he would have become. My dreams are no longer haunted by snapshots of a family he wouldn’t have the chance to have. This day, however, takes back to those hours after I got the news.

I feel the pain of that 21 year old girl again and remind myself of the good and happy memories — sitting in my car listening to Mat Kearney, his teasing about my expensive taste in shoes, or his love of the color green. I’ll remind myself of the happy things that have happened in the last seven years — the friends, the trips, the goals I've reached, the dreams I carry in my heart, and I’ll cry, laugh, and smile today. I’ll remind myself that numbing pain only makes it worse and hold onto the promise that this won’t kill me.

Today won’t kill me.

Today I will remember a little brother, in all his faults, that I loved, Because even as broken as I was, I still loved him. I will remember him.

Even though he was annoying, he was my little brother.

1 comment:

Marion Oats said...

I remember that day, like yesterday!
You always will be in my prayers.
Be strong, remember he is in a better world and I know he is watching over you.