Tuesday, April 02, 2013

"Delayed hope makes the heart sick, but fulfilled desire is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12

This blog has been pushing to be written for days now... DAYS. I've started in a bunch of times in my head but would always push it aside or open the laptop and get on Facebook forget it. I can't seem to keep it quite, the words and phrases are pushing out of me to be written and I can no longer stop them from coming. When it all boils down to it, I've been afraid to write this one out – see when I start a blog post I have an ending in mind. I write toward a goal, and I have a clear shot in mind how to get there and what to say, the points I want to make and the turns to get from point 'a' to point 'b'. Writing a blog post it like driving a car, and this time it's like getting in the car with no end in sight, and it scares me. I know how I want to start but I don't know what will come after I start it, only God does, and His nudging is making me process things that I need too.

My journey to BSSD started about this time last year, when I pulled a women I lovely call Mor, out of worship to talk with me about me applying to BSSM. Mor told me that she knew I was unhappy and barely getting by – she could see right through me. Even though, I tried to hard to keep it together and look happy, I wasn't, and the fire in me was nothing more that just smoke and smoldering embers. Don't get me wrong, I had come a long way at that point, and grew so much, but I was ready to deal with issues, and things I had run from and deep down I knew that I couldn't get the help I needed if I stayed in Georgia. My talk with Mor, that Monday night pushed me to apply to BSSM and in a lot of ways pushed me to get the help I needed.

By the time I got into my car, and set off for this this little town called Fortuna, I was running on empty. I felt like I had nothing left. It's hard to be that honest, but it's true, either God was going to show up or was I was giving up. I was done, I was tried of fighting, and pushing, and hurting, and I was going to get freedom or I was going back to being the bitter girl drinking at the bar. Wow, that's hard to write but it's were I was at when I made the move. I was going for broke. I got a prophetic word shortly after getting to BSSD and it went something like “You barely made it out here, there was nothing but smoke left but I see God blowing on the small flame and passion and fire growing...” I always love it when people get my mail.

Did God blow on that little flame in my heart? He did, and he still is. I was driving in my car one day after church a couple of years ago, and was I crying out to God and begging for God to give me something to be passionate about, because I could feel myself growing dry and weary. I haven't told anyone about that prayer – or that about a year after that I started making plans for going to BSSM, which later became BSSD. I didn't see how God was moving to put me where I would be awakened, and I sure as heck didn't know how much that little flame would grow.

When I first made it to BSSD, things that I had pushed down and fought to ignore came up and this time I had to deal with them, there was no place for me to run but to God and to walk through those issues, and dig out lies and replace the lies with the truth. At times it was so very, very hard, and I know I wasn't the happiest person to be around but somewhere in the middle of me working though my mess with God, things got better. I wasn't hard to get out of bed or go and hang out with people. I could face my problems and work through them. I was finally healing and letting go of somethings that I needed to let go of and getting peace. At some point a few months in I looked and could see that I was no longer the sacred woman I was when I moved, but I was growing up.

Then my time there came to an end. The only person who could have guessed my move was God, and I didn't want to move back, Eureka had become home, and I didn't want to leave my home yet again. I could vision my life in Humboldt, and I could see it happening – getting married, buying a house in Ferndale close to Main Street, and raising 4-6 kids (yes I long for a houseful), starting a ministry, and growing old with my husband, having grandkids, and Christmases... I could see it all play out and I had so many visions for that area, and I had dreamed of Light House Ranch for months before I knew it even existed. I found a home there, and yes, I'm homesick for that home much like I was homesick for Buford, when I moved out there.

My friend Elisabeth has a shirt that says “born in Humboldt” and I wanted one even though I wasn't born in Humboldt, but in a lot of ways my heart was, and I could see my children being born there – I still it. Jim Durkin gave a talk about how the generations needing to join hands and my generation didn't need to leave his behind – I made of point of holding his hand every time I saw him, and his talk still rings in my heart. When I stood where Light House Ranch was, I could see it through the eyes of Jim and then through my eyes, as it birth something new. I know what it looks like to fly across the bay in Eureka at night. I'm homesick for Willy, Marty, and Justin, and Lifehouse, much like I was homesick for everyone when I moved away.

So where does that leave me? I have two homes, one on the Southeast Coast, and one on the Northwest Coast – two very different places but both very much a part of who I am. What do I do? Where do I go from here? Those are questions that I keep asking myself, when I came home for Christmas, Mor and Far told me that they could read through the lines of my Facebook and blog posts, and I wasn't moving back. Which was true, because that was my dream.

What's my next step? I want to move back to Eureka, and I think I will have a job lined up (I still have some follow up to do but it's looking like I will). Do I try to go back to BSSD? That's the question I keep being asked and I keep asking myself. I don't know. I have to move past my fear and talk to Rudy about it and I was to have a plan worked out first. I want to show him how things will be different this time. Although regardless of me going back to BSSD or not, it looks like I will be moving sometime after my friend gets married July.

There is a phrase that got stuck in my head at the first of this year and I painted out, using it to cover somethings I had written out that I was feeling (not so good things). It was “Set the World on Fire” it's a phrase I keep hearing God say, and I started asking God how does the world the get set on fire, and His answer was one that surprised me. He told me it takes a spark. I asked a man in February, if he knew how the world gets sets on fire, and he started answering by giving me a quote from Charles something or other, but stop mid quote and asked me how, I told him it takes a spark.

This long winding blog post, that I had no clue how will it end, and now that I'm here I get it. It takes a spark. It takes a spark for things to change. It takes a spark to set a forest on fire. It takes a spark to set the world on fire. It takes a spark to change the world. It takes a spark. What are you going to do with your spark?

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