Saturday, January 19, 2013

“She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails.” ― Elizabeth Edwards

What's your default? When things are falling apart, what is the stance you take? Where does your mind go first when things are going wrong? It says a lot about how you react to the bad things in life. It shows more about who you are deep down inside when everything is going wrong, than when things are going right. So, do you blame God? Do you run and hide? Do you blame others? Do you break down? Or is it some combination of all of the above? Are is it, that God is good, and whatever it is, will work out for your good? Do you trust God and keep your faith? Do you chose to respond, rather than react?

A lot has happened these last few months and I grew super bad about keeping my blog updated. I went through some amazing breakthroughs, but to get there I had to grow through some really hard tension and a lot of stretching, but in the end it was worth it. However, I still wasn't able to find a job and that put me in the place of not being able to stay on top of my bills. When, even though I was able to go home and enjoy Christmas with my family, it meant that I couldn't come back to school after Christmas break unless tuition was paid (I am still blown away by family who paid for my tickets). When I got back to Eureka, I wasn't able to pay my rent and I've had to juggle some bills, and figure things out. I sent out some support letters/emails/messages when I was home, and at times I felt like I was home just to fundraise. Which when everyone back home has supported me, believed in me, and prayed for me, was not how I wanted to spend my time. I was so thankful that I was able to be home for the short time that I was there.

Well, after not getting much of a response for the my last round of support letters, and spending the last couple of weeks doing nothing but looking for a job and STILL not having any luck, I've had to go to my default... which is God is good and it will work out. School started back without me and I kept believing it would work out, and then I still couldn't figure out how rent was going to get paid. I knew things could still work out, but my window of time for it to work out the way I want it was getting ever so small and I am so very, very tired of having to ask for money, when everyone has supported me so much this far and I live with three people who depend on rent being paid, that I've had to make some decisions that I didn't think I would have to make when the school year started.

These last few days I've had to go to my default and take up camp there. I've made some phone calls to friends where I cry and look at what my choices are and come up with a plan that can work. It hasn't been easy, and a lot of prayer and tears have gone into the plan I've come up with and I'm heartbroken. I've been fasting and praying and at the place where God is good and it will work out because I trust Him. However, facts are facts, and I have to think up something. So, by a miracle I was able to come up with my part of the rent, but that still leaves what should I do next?

Do stay here and know that I will be faced with the same problems in the next few weeks? Do I go back to Georgia? What should I do? After talking with the people I trust more than myself, and asking for prayer and wisdom, I've decided to move back to Georgia. My heart breaks just having to write it. I don't want to give up but time is running out and I can't keep doing this anymore. There are a lot of questions that I keep rolling around in my head and I'm sure they are will be asked by you so I figured I would just go ahead and post them here.

Do you want to go back to Georgia?
Not really. I miss parts of it but I'm past being homesick. When I moved out here, I hadn't planned on living in Georgia again, well, not for a long while. I thought that if I moved back it would be, at the very least, 4 years from when I moved out here.

What's next?
I don't know. I do know that I have friends who have promised girls night where I can cry, and start planning again. I know that God is still in control and hasn't left me to figure it out on my own. I took a HUGE step of faith moving out here and I'm still just trusting Him and praying about my next move.

Why move back?
I don't know where else to go. I'm not finding work, and this seems like the only thing for me to do. When doors keep closing you need to start looking for the ones that are open and right now that is my open door.

Will you try again next year?
I don't know. I don't know if I will be allowed back next year or if I should try to go to BSSM or BASSM or Glory School of Supernatural or if I should go back to college in Georgia. If I do try again next year, I won't move out here with out having tuition paid in full and perhaps a job lined up. There are things I will do different.

How are you moving back/when?
Same way I got out here, Peter! Mom said she would fly out here and we will drive non stop back. Peter loaded down and 40 some odd hours of the USA passing by. At the end of this month.

Where will you live when you go back?
Back at my mom's. Boomerang child status, here I come!

What about Layla?
She's coming with me!! I wouldn't drag her out here and not bring her back with me! She's my best friend and best listener that I have ever known, besides she has never really liked it here.

How are you feeling about all this?
Heartbroken, sad, upset, hurt, and so many more things. I have fallen in love with this place, and love it here. The summers are too cold for my liking but this has become my home and I love my church here and I have friends who have become like family. I don't want to leave but I don't know what else to do.

Do you think you made a mistake by moving out there/do you regret it/where you wrong in hearing God?
No to all of those. I would still do it again. I've made some amazing friends, and grown so much while here. I would not change a thing. I knew the risks when I came out here and I chose to do it anyway. I don't think I was wrong in hearing God. I know that God's ways are not my ways and that God is still good. I trust Him. He has me in His hands and I'm trusting Him.

What if everything somehow works out in the next 24 hours – week?
Then it works out. I know that anything could happen and I'm STILL believing that it will work out, but I need to have a plan B. I could get a check in the mail, or a phone call, or find a winning lotto ticket on the side of the road and then I don't move back. I meet with the school directors and see if I would be able to come back to school and go from there.


Verda said...

I'm rooting for you, Christina! I am so proud of you. You deserve the best.

Brenda Nisly said...

Christina, tho our journey has been different than yours, there are similarities. I identify with the struggle. I'm so happy to see that you still trust God, trust His heart for you. That's a wow! Thanks again for how you blessed us while you were at our house!! Love and prayers for the adjusting of the sails and more...