Friday, June 13, 2008

Six months without you

It been six months since I got the news that no sister should have to hear... six months and sometimes it feels like a lifetime and sometimes it feels like it all happened yesterday. I still miss you and I'm still angry at you. It was such a selfish thing for you to do. Did you know Mom still freaks out if I don't answer my cell when she calls, just because you didn't answer your's or that I'm tried of people knowing me as the sister of the kid that shot himself? I'm tried of people's pity. Did you know I've lost a lot of friends because they didn't know how to handle this or that I've had to take time off from younglife? Did you know I failed two classes and had to take time off college because I missed my finals because you were buried the day before? Because of what you did I've had to move home, I lost my best friend, I've been hurt by the church and younglife, and my world has been turned upside down and shaken around.

And yet I can't help but miss you. I miss you teasing me about my expensive taste in shoes... I still can't wear my chacos or crocs without thinking of you and how much you teased me for wanting a $70 pair of flip-flops. Sometimes I miss you so much it hurts. I wonder if I'll ever stop and I wonder why you did this to our family. You meant so much to me and I wish I would have told you that more.

This past Christmas was empty and it sucked. I was so angry with you because of that. We didn't put up a tree or even exchange gifts. You what pissed me off the most? This was the first year since Grandma died that I was looking forward to Christmas, and you ruined it! New Years wasn't that much better either. For weeks every time I would try to go to church I would have to leave mid service because it was too much... it hurt too much to go and have people ask me all those questions. For months it hurt to read my bible and pray. Me the sister with thick skin... hurts. Even now I've just gotten to the point where I can feel God with me again. At first I thought He left me... now I see I was in too much pain to feel Him. However, I still find going to church too hard... too painful and I wonder if I'll even be able to get past it.

I still struggle with why... why did you do this? Why right before Christmas? Why couldn't you see how much people loved you? WHY? Do you know how much we are all hurting? Do you know how much I miss you? And how I wish was a better sister? And how I miss you calling me sis even though I hated when you would call me that? I miss your hugs. I miss that stupid laugh you had. I miss talking about music with you. I miss you smile.. and your green iPod. I can't wear green without thinking of you.

Six months and I still have days where getting out of bed seems impossible because of you. Six months and I'm still angry and sad. Six months and nothing feels right. Six months and concerts still feel weird and awkward. Six months I haven't found my "new normal." Six months. 262,800 minutes...

Miss you.

Big Sis

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