Yesterday I went to church. Funny six months ago and that would have been a such a normal thing for me to do, but the truth is I haven't stepped foot inside a church in months. I guess in some ways I'm still working on feeling normal. Going to church doesn't feel normal. I thought that it would kinda feel like coming home but it didn't. Part of me wonders if it will get easier with time and the other part just doesn't want to find out. I've noticed something about the church the past few months and it scares me- it seems like the church doesn't have room for broken people asking questions. I am broken... very broken and I've lived through some a horrible things this past year. I feel like the church doesn't have room for my brokenness. I've been asking some big questions lately about God and the answer I keep getting is 'you're a Christian you shouldn't be asking this...'
Yes, I am a Christian (I don't like that term... I prefer follower of Christ) but I have some big issues and questions. I raised to ask questions and figure out the answers and not to believe something just because I was told to believe. I get that God is bigger than my understanding but that doesn't keep me from having questions. My questions and brokenness shouldn't be bigger than the church. My pain shouldn't be bigger than the church.
Under all my hurt I'm still me. I'm not losing faith in God (just the chruch) I just have questions. I feel like I'm not being heard and that my questions don't matter. I've been hurt by the church before and it took a long time for me to get over that. My skin is a little thicker these days but I'm tired of hiding my pain. Shouldn't the church be a place for healing?