Sometimes I feel like I'm close to breaking down or falling apart. It's at those times I fight back with a couple of beers, a cigarette and a prayer to keep things cool. Tonight I had one of those moments when I was at a concert. I really don't know what brought it on, I was fine one moment and on the verge of a break the next. I bumped into someone I knew and we talked for a minute they asked me how I was and I said fine... which was a bold face lie at the time.
I act like I have it all together for fear that if I have this break down that I try so hard to fight people won't like me. The truth is I'm a mess... a BIG mess and I mess things up a lot. I hate feeling like I'm about to lose control and spill my mess everywhere. So I do what I can to bring them under control and force myself to remain the calm, cool, and collected person that I am known for because after all, who wants to be seen with a mess?
I used to think it as a shame when people felt like they couldn't be who they truly are and now I see it's a choice. We chose to hide who we are out of fear. I don't want people to see my mess so I hide it and when I feel like my mess is about to burst, I drown it out... numb it if you will. I CHOSE to hide it from others sight. It's something I need to work on...
However, we can't hide our messes from God... he sees right though our walls. We still have a choice wither or not to let Him help clean up our mess.