Dear body, 

You are a work of art. You've been pushed to the brink and have never given up. You have survived drinking all night, junk food binges, a tattoo, and more holes than I can count. You are marked with scars that tell the story of never giving up. You house a mind that is remarkable and a heart that is courageous.  You've broken bones and broken boards. You are no longer 21, but just as beautiful, if not more beautiful. Yes, you no longer fit in those jeans, but you are still amazing. You've run races, fought battles, and fallen. You've failed, but you have also won wars. You've taken a pounding, but you have never faltered. 

You do not fit the mold, but rather you redefine your worth. You're fearless and brave. You don't fit the world's standard of beauty, but you are breathtaking nonetheless. You've won State Champ, and can kick someone upside the head. You are not perfect, but your imperfections make you jaw dropping. My dear, your picture is beside the very definition of kick ass. Fear has no place in your world. 

You have self infected scars that tell the story of heartache and learning to love again. Your scars are not marked with shame but tell how far you have come. You have survived late nights, drunken fights, and cigarettes. And you are beautiful. There have been broken hearts, and all nighters. There have been nights where you've cried yourself to sleep. You've weathered both with style. You've made it up in the morning ready to fight again. You have redefined yourself, and learned from your mistakes. 

I have failed you, and hated you. I've wished for thinner thighs, and a smaller waist. I've hated you, and cursed you. I've forgotten that you have always shown up for the fight. I've abused you, and used you. I've not stood up for you, and have let others put you down. I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for the abuse, and self hate. I'm sorry for the times I've failed you, but I love you. I love your jiggles and squishy waist. I love those long legs, and killer eyes. I love your smile, those thighs, and scars.  You are unique and amazing. Simply breathtaking. 

Love, 

Me

The End

Vodka Boy,
Here is our end. This is my goodbye. I'm done chasing you. I'm worth more than half truths and silence. I'm worth more than stolen kissing and indifference. I'm not asking for rainbows and unicorns. I want steady and security. I want long talks and laughter. I want messages without hidden meanings. I wanted you. I thought I needed you. I can't force these things from you and it's not fair for me to ask them of you. You didn't want a relationship, and I couldn't figure out what I wanted. I still don't know everything I want but I'm starting to learn it's not you. I can't do distance and silence. I need talking and knowing where I stand. I can't do the closeness and the cold pushing away. I can't do this deadly dance that we do. We're not healthy together. I need healthy. I need support. I'm not going to battle your demons when I can barely battle my own.

Oil and water. Fire and ice. Water and air. We don't mix well. How can oil and water mix? How can fire and ice get along? How can a bird love a fish? I'll burn you. You'll turn me to smoke. I can't set the world ablaze with you. You can't fly with me. We don't mix. It's taken my heart time to see that. I can't chase down your fears and soothe my own. I can't earn a trust that was never mine.

I can't fix you. I can't heal your pain. I can't erase her. And I think that's what it comes to, I'm not her and I don't want to pay for her sins. I'm not Jesus. She hurt you and took your best. She left a deep scar and I'm not the one to save you. She broke your trust and I'm paying for it. It's not fair. She did horrible things, but I'm not her. You have to let her go to gain freedom. You have to let her go to move forward. You can't drown in hate and love someone else. You have to chose one.

5 poems and regret. That's what I leave with. And perhaps a deeper understanding of who I am or maybe, a deeper understanding of what I'm not. I'll take my poems and leave it at that. You'll become the boy that almost got me. A drunken mistake in my story. A drunken mistake that almost did me in and a night of regret that I tried to justify. I'll become the girl that tired to land you. The girl that was mildly crazy and couldn't heal you. Just a blimp in your world. A close call.

You'll never read this. I'll never send it. I'll move on and leave you behind. I've said my goodbyes and gotten what I needed.

Christina

At what point do you say my heart is worth more than this? At what point to you give up? At what point do you let go and walk away? When is okay to stand up for your heart? When is it okay to stop chasing?

I liked you. 

I liked you a lot. 

I liked the possibility of us. 

I liked the butterflies. 

I liked your arms. 

Now my heart hurts over the loss of the possibility. 

I'm lonely now. 

The butterflies have left. 

Do I hold on?

Do I mourn the loss? 

Do I give up?

I know I should let you go. You're not mine. You never were. So why do I want to go back to your bed. Beg you to stay. Beg you to pay attention to me. Why is it your arms I long to  be in? Your lips I want to kiss. 

I know I should walk away. This will only end in my heart break. I've worked too hard to keep my heart safe for me to put it on my sleeve now. So why do I keep reaching out to you? You're not healthy and I've been fighting to stay healthy, so why do I keep running to you?

You're like a drug I can't quit. 

For the Tough Girls

Dear Boy, 

You want a tough girl. You want a strong girl. She will make your life so much richer. I know she can seem scary and she acts like she doesn't need you. She doesn't need a man to help her build shelves or change the oil in her car. She knows the basics of car maintenance, and how to fix almost anything that breaks. She can pay her own bills and fight her own battles. She doesn't need you change air filters or a flat tire. She can take care of herself. 

But she wants you. She wants your love and your heart. She doesn't need you to save the day, she wants you to help her save the day. She's going to want you on lonely nights and she's going to want you on her adventures. She doesn't need you to change her, she wants you for the journey. She tough as nails and needs you to remind her she can be soft. She's going to need you to remind her she doesn't have to be tough all the time. 

She's going to grow to need you, give her time. She can't always fight battles alone. Sometimes, she will need you to have her back. She's used to going this journey alone and she's going to need time to get used to having someone there. She'll grow to need you on her side. She'll learn how two are better than one if you give her a chance. She's going to challenge you, and make you better. 

She'll wake you up in the middle of the night to see the stars and midnight trips to the beach. She'll be the perfect ally in this world. She'll be loyal to the end if you treat her well. Give her flowers. She'll act like doesn't want flowers but she does. No one has given them to her. She'll dream big and let you be a part of those dreams. She'll be wild and free and bring you along. 

She'll need you be tough to let her have a chance to be soft. She'll learn to soften and let people in.  She'll let you take the lead. She just needs to know you're in this just as much as she is. She has to learn to trust you. 

Trusting you is what it will come down too. Are you going to man up or are you going to run away? Tough girls need a man. A man who will presue her, and be trustworthy. You can't fake it because she will see through you. She needs a man who won't control her or try to change her. She needs a man who will let her grow into a strong woman. Tough girls grow to be strong unshakeable women. She'll be a wildflower, rare and beautiful.

She'll let you in, and bring you on her adventures. She will. Give her space. Give her time. Be patient. Love her and let her grow. 

Seven

Seven years. Seven Christmases. Seven Easters. Seven Summers. Seven Birthdays. Seven years asking God why. Somedays it feels like decades. Somedays the pain comes crashing through thick and fresh like it was yesterday. Most days I am fine, I forget to remember. I go weeks without remembering my little brother and what happened. I refuse to think that things are normal but like to think that I'm moving on. I read a quote one time about the pain of losing a love one never really leaves us but rather our hearts grow to be able to handle the pain. I still miss Noah, but if given the choice to have him back I don't think I could make that call. I'm happy with my life and I've seen good come out of my loss but I still miss him. I miss his annoying voice and how it drove me crazy when he called me sis. I miss his annoying face and his annoying self. I miss my annoying little brother. I miss the good and sometimes I forget the bad. The stealing and the lying, and pain of having someone who was bipolar in the same house. What's done is done and I've spent the last seven years moving forward and becoming a better person.

I've spent seven years hating this date. Dec. 12. I marks the anniversary of when my world came crashing down. It marks the end of the 21 year old girl I was. It marks the day I found out that my worse nightmares wouldn't kill me. It reminds me of who I was and what I could have been. It reminds me of all the people who left me. It reminds me of pain. It reminds me of what I've lost.

Perhaps that is the problem. Today reminds me of loss and pain. I normally spend today trying to numb that pain, but this year due to plans and schedule changes I think I'll embrace that pain. His life was worth it. I'll let the waves of grief wash over me and I'll push through. He was worth it, even as annoying as he was, I miss him. I’m past wondering what he would have grown into and wondering what kind of man he would have become. My dreams are no longer haunted by snapshots of a family he wouldn’t have the chance to have. This day, however, takes back to those hours after I got the news.

I feel the pain of that 21 year old girl again and remind myself of the good and happy memories — sitting in my car listening to Mat Kearney, his teasing about my expensive taste in shoes, or his love of the color green. I’ll remind myself of the happy things that have happened in the last seven years — the friends, the trips, the goals I've reached, the dreams I carry in my heart, and I’ll cry, laugh, and smile today. I’ll remind myself that numbing pain only makes it worse and hold onto the promise that this won’t kill me.

Today won’t kill me.

Today I will remember a little brother, in all his faults, that I loved, Because even as broken as I was, I still loved him. I will remember him.

Even though he was annoying, he was my little brother.

Just Dance, Just Sing, Just Worship

There are somethings in life you just need to dance through. You have to find that faint beat in the mist of the overwhelming pain and move your feet and hips in time. Something powerful happens when you dance in worship and the power doesn’t lessen when you are dancing through pain. I’ve found that the pain lessens with the dancing. It doesn’t matter what I am feeling when I start dancing but dancing helps me let go and find healing and strength. 

I once read a story about demons running when a dancer started dancing in worship. The people were having a hard time getting into the worship - even the worship band was having a hard time, but when she starting moving the place went into a new realm of worship. Someone later said they saw demons sitting on the wall watching but when the dancer stood up the started shaking and when she started dancing they fled. There’s something powerful in letting go and getting lost in dancing in worship to the one true King. Dancing in worship makes the demons flee.

There was a time when I was in terrible back pain and was having back spasms. My roommates at the time had to help me get in and out of the car and up and down the stairs. I went for prayer but it didn’t help for long. Finally I went to the local healing rooms, because the pain was so unbearable. I felt a little better but the pain was still there, then one of the people praying for me said, “back pain isn’t apart of your identity!” I realized I had to make a choice - I could chose to dance in pain or let the pain keep me from doing what I love and feel called to do. I chose to dance through the pain. The more and more I danced the less and less the pain was. I am a dancer at the very core of my being! I was made to hear the faint beat and move in worship. Since then I have danced through heart break, grief, mistakes, and joy. My heart was born in the deep wells of worship and spills out of my very being. So I dance, in the good and the bad. 

I was sharing this idea of dancing with a dear friend of mine and he told me that is why he just sings sometimes. That he will just sit at his keyboard, play and sing. There are times in his life that he has to sing through. So maybe dancing isn’t what you need to do, perhaps, like my friend, it’s singing or maybe it’s painting, it could be writing or cooking, my point is there is something you can do that is worship and sometimes when we hit rock bottom, not knowing if we can pick ourselves up, that we worship. When we find ourselves down we worship. We worship our heavenly Father and not look at what is going on around us. We each have our own way of worshiping and sometimes you have to worship through the pain. 

So perhaps the challenge is this, do you trust God enough to worship Him in the lowest of moments? Do you believe that, despite what is going on around you, you can change the atmosphere with the way you worship? Are you willing to show the devil up and worship your Father in those secret times when you feel all is lost? 

I'm Better Off With Out You

I hope you think of me at Red Robin, Sundays, and in Nashville. I hope there are moments when you still want to pick up the phone and call. I hope there are times when you miss me still. I have those times. I hope you never forget the good times we shared. 

I hope you go days and don't think of me. I hope there are moments marked with happiness and joy. I hope don't miss me often. I hope you are chasing those dreams we shared so long ago. I hope you do well and wish you well in all you do. I hope you have made peace with our past. 

I hope you have learned how to let go and be yourself. I hope you are dreaming your own dreams. I hope you have learn how to stand on your own. I hope you have found something to be passionate about. I hope you storm the gates of hell doing what you love. 

I hope you no are no longer stuck in anyone else's shadow. I hope you are no longer paying for someone else's mistakes. I hope there is a fire in your soul pushing you to be the best you can. I hope you are so set on fire for God that there is nothing that can put it out. 

I hope you have friends that with stick with you no matter what. I hope you have peace. I hope you have more grace than you know what do with. 

I wish you well. I wish you the best. I wish we ended better. I wish our chapter didn't leave such a bitter taste. I wish forgiving you didn't take me as long as it did. I wish it was less like a divorce and more letting go. I wished we went out with a bang and not the explosion that left our friends picking sides and broken and bruised by the aftershock. 

I wish I could have loved your better in my brokenness. I wish I could have been the person you needed. I wish we could have survived it and came out as friends. 

I wish. I wish. I wish. 

I forgive. I ask for forgiveness. I've learned not to hold into those wishes and looking back. We could have been great, but we'll be greater apart. I dream bigger without you. I'm a better person without you. I've learned to heal and more about God than I could have ever with you and I'm okay with that. I'm okay without you.  

Why I gave my TWLOHA WSPD Bracelet Away

I sat in my friends car tonight and listen as she talked about the things in her life that had happened in the past couple of weeks. Things spiraled out of control and when faced with the choice to live or die, she chose life. She has a hard time getting there and a hard road ahead of her. She's got some amazing people around her and praying for her. She's fighting. She's not giving up. She's still here. All those things are important. She is important. She is going to change to the world. She cannot be replaced.

As we sat in her dark car talking over coffee, I couldn't help but remember all the other times we sat and talked, sometimes coming up with our crazy inside jokes that we still laugh about over a year later and sometimes in the dark confessing the darker things that have happened over the years. We talked tonight about those darker things and the battle we both sometimes have to fight. She told me of what she wrote me in her suicide note and how she just wanted to end the fighting. She told me of the days after and the choices she was forced to make. She let me in. She broke down a wall. We both wiped tears from our eyes.

This past National Suicide Prevention Week, To Write Love on Her Arms sold a t-shirt, bracelet, and pamphlet pack, and I got one in memory of my little brother. I've worn the bracelet every day since in his memory. It's white and in big orange letters it boldly states “YOU CANNOT BE REPLACED”. At some point in the middle of the conversion I handed it to her. I realized she needed that reminder far more than I did.

Mama Said There Would be Days Like This

There are days when I don't feel so awesome. There are times when I don't know what I am doing with my life. I have times of doubt and times when I'm so tired of pushing that I'm seconds from walking away. There are moments when it all feels so meaningless. I have times when I feel like all I've done is make mistake after mistake and I'll never get it right. There are even times when all those words and promises that have been spoken over me, feel like lies or they were meant for someone else - someone better than me. 

Those are the moments, hours, days, and seasons when I have to step back and ask what God is saying over me. It's in those times I have look in God's face and remind myself that He doesn't make mistakes. I have to remind myself that I'm still learning and that it's okay to fall. I have to let go. 

I have to let go of plans and ideas. I have to let go of my timeline. I have to remember that even though my days are numbered that my days aren't coming to end just yet. I have to let go of what I thought should have happened by now and count all the things that have already happened.  I have to remind myself that I am not behind - I'm not running a race against my friends. Life isn't a  competition. 

It's so easy to get lost in what the world around me is feeling and to get sucked into those moments when I don't feel at my best. It would be so simple and easy to just stay in that pit. 

I've learned it's okay to not be okay, but it's not okay to stay that way. When the fog starts to set in, I've learned to shake it off and look up. I keep moving forward, especially when I don't feel like. I don't let what I feel decide how I act. I let my feelings show me when I need healing and then I move forward. I dig in deep with my Heavenly Father and let Him speak truth. I remind myself that those words and promises are for me, mistakes and all. The more and more healing I've gotten and fewer and fewer times I feel those things and the shorter and shorter those feelings stay. 

An Open Letter to the Warren Family

This is an open letter to Rick Warren and family or anyone else who has lost someone to suicide or just lost someone. My little brother committed suicide almost 5.5 years ago, and when I heard about Matthew Warren I thought about what I wished someone had told me.

Dear Pastor Warren and family,

Let me start this by saying how very sorry I am for your loss, and my heart goes out to you. I know the road you are walking down is a hard one. There are no words that I can say to ease your pain, even though I've walked down this road, every one greaves differently and what helped me won't necessarily work for you. I could quote Bible verses, but I literally wanted to punch everyone who did that in the face. I could tell you that God was angry at you and that is why this happen, but that would be a lie. God isn't angry - He is mourning with you. I wish I could take away the pain or had "5 Easy Step to Healing" but I can't and I don't. I guess you would be wondering what's the point of this letter… see all I can so is tell you what I wished someone had told me.

1) It's not your fault. There was nothing you could have said or done to change the out come. No phone call or I love you, it was totally out of your control.

2) You are not alone. You don't have to battle this by yourself. Find someone to listen and talk, or go to the movies. We aren't meant to be alone and there are people who will hold your hand as you go through this, and those friends are worth more than gold.

3) It will get better. I'm not saying that the pain will be gone, but it will be easier.

4) It's okay to be angry. Yell at God if you need too, He can take it. ;)

5) You will find joy in the mourning. It may take time but joy will come back and it will be different.

6) Good will come out of this. I know it's hard to see it right now but one day you will. God can turn anything in to good, and I mean ANYTHING.

7) "It's okay to not be okay, but it's not okay to stay that way." Those are words that I was told this past year and they helped me so much. It meant that pain mattered and I was allowed to feel it. It also meant that I could get through this, and that I could over come it. Life is about moving forward after all.

8) Look for God. I've found that if I look for God, matter how bad the tragedy is, I will find Him. It's times when I don't see God, I realize that I am not looking for Him.

That's all I have.

Keeping y'all close in my prayers,

Christina

"Delayed hope makes the heart sick, but fulfilled desire is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12

This blog has been pushing to be written for days now... DAYS. I've started in a bunch of times in my head but would always push it aside or open the laptop and get on Facebook forget it. I can't seem to keep it quite, the words and phrases are pushing out of me to be written and I can no longer stop them from coming. When it all boils down to it, I've been afraid to write this one out – see when I start a blog post I have an ending in mind. I write toward a goal, and I have a clear shot in mind how to get there and what to say, the points I want to make and the turns to get from point 'a' to point 'b'. Writing a blog post it like driving a car, and this time it's like getting in the car with no end in sight, and it scares me. I know how I want to start but I don't know what will come after I start it, only God does, and His nudging is making me process things that I need too.

My journey to BSSD started about this time last year, when I pulled a women I lovely call Mor, out of worship to talk with me about me applying to BSSM. Mor told me that she knew I was unhappy and barely getting by – she could see right through me. Even though, I tried to hard to keep it together and look happy, I wasn't, and the fire in me was nothing more that just smoke and smoldering embers. Don't get me wrong, I had come a long way at that point, and grew so much, but I was ready to deal with issues, and things I had run from and deep down I knew that I couldn't get the help I needed if I stayed in Georgia. My talk with Mor, that Monday night pushed me to apply to BSSM and in a lot of ways pushed me to get the help I needed.

By the time I got into my car, and set off for this this little town called Fortuna, I was running on empty. I felt like I had nothing left. It's hard to be that honest, but it's true, either God was going to show up or was I was giving up. I was done, I was tried of fighting, and pushing, and hurting, and I was going to get freedom or I was going back to being the bitter girl drinking at the bar. Wow, that's hard to write but it's were I was at when I made the move. I was going for broke. I got a prophetic word shortly after getting to BSSD and it went something like “You barely made it out here, there was nothing but smoke left but I see God blowing on the small flame and passion and fire growing...” I always love it when people get my mail.

Did God blow on that little flame in my heart? He did, and he still is. I was driving in my car one day after church a couple of years ago, and was I crying out to God and begging for God to give me something to be passionate about, because I could feel myself growing dry and weary. I haven't told anyone about that prayer – or that about a year after that I started making plans for going to BSSM, which later became BSSD. I didn't see how God was moving to put me where I would be awakened, and I sure as heck didn't know how much that little flame would grow.

When I first made it to BSSD, things that I had pushed down and fought to ignore came up and this time I had to deal with them, there was no place for me to run but to God and to walk through those issues, and dig out lies and replace the lies with the truth. At times it was so very, very hard, and I know I wasn't the happiest person to be around but somewhere in the middle of me working though my mess with God, things got better. I wasn't hard to get out of bed or go and hang out with people. I could face my problems and work through them. I was finally healing and letting go of somethings that I needed to let go of and getting peace. At some point a few months in I looked and could see that I was no longer the sacred woman I was when I moved, but I was growing up.

Then my time there came to an end. The only person who could have guessed my move was God, and I didn't want to move back, Eureka had become home, and I didn't want to leave my home yet again. I could vision my life in Humboldt, and I could see it happening – getting married, buying a house in Ferndale close to Main Street, and raising 4-6 kids (yes I long for a houseful), starting a ministry, and growing old with my husband, having grandkids, and Christmases... I could see it all play out and I had so many visions for that area, and I had dreamed of Light House Ranch for months before I knew it even existed. I found a home there, and yes, I'm homesick for that home much like I was homesick for Buford, when I moved out there.

My friend Elisabeth has a shirt that says “born in Humboldt” and I wanted one even though I wasn't born in Humboldt, but in a lot of ways my heart was, and I could see my children being born there – I still it. Jim Durkin gave a talk about how the generations needing to join hands and my generation didn't need to leave his behind – I made of point of holding his hand every time I saw him, and his talk still rings in my heart. When I stood where Light House Ranch was, I could see it through the eyes of Jim and then through my eyes, as it birth something new. I know what it looks like to fly across the bay in Eureka at night. I'm homesick for Willy, Marty, and Justin, and Lifehouse, much like I was homesick for everyone when I moved away.

So where does that leave me? I have two homes, one on the Southeast Coast, and one on the Northwest Coast – two very different places but both very much a part of who I am. What do I do? Where do I go from here? Those are questions that I keep asking myself, when I came home for Christmas, Mor and Far told me that they could read through the lines of my Facebook and blog posts, and I wasn't moving back. Which was true, because that was my dream.

What's my next step? I want to move back to Eureka, and I think I will have a job lined up (I still have some follow up to do but it's looking like I will). Do I try to go back to BSSD? That's the question I keep being asked and I keep asking myself. I don't know. I have to move past my fear and talk to Rudy about it and I was to have a plan worked out first. I want to show him how things will be different this time. Although regardless of me going back to BSSD or not, it looks like I will be moving sometime after my friend gets married July.

There is a phrase that got stuck in my head at the first of this year and I painted out, using it to cover somethings I had written out that I was feeling (not so good things). It was “Set the World on Fire” it's a phrase I keep hearing God say, and I started asking God how does the world the get set on fire, and His answer was one that surprised me. He told me it takes a spark. I asked a man in February, if he knew how the world gets sets on fire, and he started answering by giving me a quote from Charles something or other, but stop mid quote and asked me how, I told him it takes a spark.

This long winding blog post, that I had no clue how will it end, and now that I'm here I get it. It takes a spark. It takes a spark for things to change. It takes a spark to set a forest on fire. It takes a spark to set the world on fire. It takes a spark to change the world. It takes a spark. What are you going to do with your spark?

While I'm Waiting

I don't need to be rescued, and I'm not sitting around waiting for prince charming or a knight in shiny armor to show up and save me from my boring, incomplete life. Ha! My life is FAR from boring and incomplete! I don't need a man to compete me, or save me, or even to fight my battles. I'm not saying that because I'm some super, ball-busting feminist, I'm saying it because I'm sick of being told that I NEED a man. Sure, one day I will fall in love and get married, and one day I will have a man to protect me and fight battles for me, but while I am waiting for him, I'm not lacking because I am single. I'm a complete person, and I'm not sitting here going grey, missing out on life. I do things and I go places and I hang out with friends and fill up my time. I am enjoying being single, and when I get married it's not going to be to “complete me” when I get married it's going to be two whole people becoming one. The bible doesn't say two halves becoming one but two shall become one. When I have children, I'm not going to sit there and tell them about how my life was boring and empty before I met their father but rather all the adventures, sometimes misadventures, that I had and the things I learned. I want my children to understand that being single is a joy and it's only a short season in their life. Think about it, if I live to be in my 80s or older and I get married in the next few years to decade, even, then most of my life will be spent married. When I look at it that way, I can't help but think about how short this time is in my life and that I want to enjoy it, so when I look back I will have no regrets.

That being said, at church, we've been doing a series called “He Said, She Said: The Battle of the Sexes” and today's message was taught by Polly Harrin and entitled, “Setting a Protection Plan” it was about setting security checkpoints in your marriage to safeguard it. It was a great message, and if you are married you should go here and listen to the podcast. However, if you are single, like me, you might think that it would have nothing for you, but I found it was packed full of things that could be applied to me or filed away until I need it when I am married. I also think it's a good thing to have a protection plan in place during my season of singleness, so I took Polly's list from this morning and made it my own.

I hope Polly doesn't mind, so here we go:

Security Checkpoint #1: Make Sure God is a Resident of Your Home and NOT a Guest

I think this applies to everyone. God should be the foundation and everything should flow from there. I won't even entertain the idea of dating a man who doesn't have God as the foundation of his life. God is the center of my life and I want a husband who has God the center of his life. I won't date someone who doesn't believe the way I do in regards to loving Christ and being involved in church. I won't date a man who says he is a Christian but it doesn't show outside of him being at church on Sunday. Also, because God is my foundation, if I get that feeling that something isn't right, I go with the feeling.

Security Checkpoint #2: Pray Everyday!

And then pray some more! Polly made a statement about praying for your husband and children because who else is going to pray everyday. I pray for both my future husband and children! Who says you have to wait until you get married to pray for your future spouse? Who says you have to wait until you are pregnant to pray for your children? I pray blessing over both and I pray that my husband is protected, and has favor in all he does, I pray for my future in laws, and I pray that my husband in growing into the man I need by my side. I pray that kids will be wise, and have favor. I even pray that they will be quick safe deliveries and easy pregnancies! I don't have time not to pray!

Security Checkpoint #3: Speak Life!

If you listened to the message I skipped one, but that's one I'll need later in life. Our words form worlds. I know that sounds like a lofty statement but we are made in the image of God (Genesis 1:26), God spoke the world into existence (Genesis 1:1-25), and we have the power of God in us (AKA the Holy Spirit), so from that it's easy to see that our words have more power than we ever thought! There are words that have made a point of striking from my vocabulary: hopeless, can't, and impossible – just to name a few. I am careful what I say over people, even in anger, when I'm frustrated, or hungry. I try to make of point of only letting life come from my lips. In this, I also watch to see how potential dates talk to those around them. How is he talking to his mom, his sister, his friends, his co-workers? How does is respond to a wrong order, talk to a waitress, and meet a stranger? How does he talk about people? All these things show how someone is going to talk about and treat me, and their future children, which could be mine future children, as well.

Security Checkpoint #4: Make Forgiveness and Grace Popular Words

Sometimes people hurt us, overlook us, forget us, and when have a choice, do we give grace and forgive or do we hold on to the hurt and anger? One leads to being joyful and the other to bitterness. It's either Kris Vallotton or Bill Johnson or, perhaps, Danny Silk that talks about forgiveness being you giving up your right for the other person punishment. Forgiveness is letting go, and letting go can be a powerful thing. It's saying, “You messed up but I'm not holding you to that anymore”, and letting there be grace for the other person. I want a man who's good at forgiving and giving grace! I want to be good at forgiving and giving grace! I don't want to be bitter and angry at the world, so I'm going to walk out forgiving the people who have hurt me and giving out grace to the ones who need it.

Security Checkpoint #5: Set Boundaries!!!!!!

I need to thank Justin Stockman for teaching all about boundaries and helping me figure out healthy boundaries in my life. I took what felt at the time a huge risk, talking to Justin, but I gained so much from it that it was worth the risk. Boundaries are different for different people, and that's great because no two people are a like and boundaries can change over time. I have boundaries in my life when it comes to married men, like, I don't hang out alone with them, or go out to eat, or ride in the car alone with them – it's a slippery slope and out of respect I don't go there. I don't have sleepovers with boys, even though nothing would happen, why put myself in that position? Boundaries are there to keep me safe, and for my future husband when I do meet him. I have boundaries for dating, and I want the man I date to respect those and have boundaries for himself. Self-control is an attractive quality for a man to have! It's okay to have boundaries, and put people on another planet, and be like “Love you, over there!” if someone is hurting you time after time, forgive them and stay away from them! So freeing, when I realized I didn't have to let a person who has hurt me time after time back into my life!

Security Checkpoint #6: Create a Faith-Filled Atmosphere

I want a man with crazy faith! I want his faith to be crazy enough that when he hears God say “leave everything and move” he moves. That's the kind of faith I try to have and I want a man who has that kind of faith too! I want the world around me to covered in the faith that I have, and so I want a man who's world matches that. There's no doubt in my mind, that God can still raise the dead and I want a man who believes that as well!

"You observe my travels and my rest; You are aware of all my ways." Psalms 139:3

I feel like it is important to stress that my dream didn't die. It may seem that way with me having to move back to Georgia, and not getting to finish BSSD, but it didn't die. Plans and dreams both change sometimes and I'm on a journey with God that I wouldn't change if you paid me. I didn't give my dreams up when I moved back to Georgia either, nor did I give up on my dreams, nor do I count this as a failure.

Did it suck? Yes, it did. Did it hurt? Very much so, but you know what? I've learned to move through my pain and not get stuck in the suckyness of what happened. I'm here for a reason and even though I don't know the whole reason yet, I'm going to enjoy my time here. I'm not going to lock myself in my room and not move forward. I don't view this as a bump in the road, but God sending me where I need to be, and that this is a chapter in my story that is supposed to happen.

I don't fully know why I am here but I do know that I still have dreams and they didn't end with me coming back – God knows what my dreams are and He keeps reminding me to trust Him and so I will. I'm a dreamer at my very core and this hasn't stopped me from dreaming or wanting to go after those dreams. I still fully believe that I was supposed to move to Cali when I did, and that I heard God right, and that I obeyed. Maybe that was the lesson, obedience. I still don't fully understand and I may never fully understand.

Some amazing things have happened since moving back. I got to go to a conference put on by some of my favorite speakers and I gained a lot from being there. I got to hear some new speakers, and I learned a great deal from being there, and I made new friends. I also got loved on and reminded that I wasn't a failure, which even though I know this, I still need the reminder from time to time. I got to see dear, dear church family and was reminded by my Mor and Far that I am not a disappointment, it's something that I know in my head but my heart is a little behind at times.

Last week, I got to hold an amazing girl and remind her that she is loved. I won't go into all the gory details about what happened, but if that was the only reason why God wanted me back here it was worth it. I wish I could take all the pain away, but I know God is working her pain into something so beautiful that she is going to change the world. Again, if the only reason why I was needed her was to hold her while she cried and tell her the truth about the truth, it was worth it.

Sunday, one of my best friends got engaged and I was able to celebrate with her after it happened! I'm so happy and excited for her!!! I'm glad I am here to be apart of it. They are such an amazing couple and I am so blessed that the bride to be is one of my closet friends. I don't know what I would have done without her this past year. She was one of the first people that I spilled some of the things that I had kept locked away on and she has pushed toward healing and cheered me on as I have moved forward. She's also been a shoulder to cry on and one who has given me pep talks when I have needed them. I can't wait for July 13^th to come so I can see her walk down the isle!

I'm settling in and still looking for a job, I found a small part time job and I start on Monday. It's still unclear what my next step will be but I'm going to be here through the summer at the very least. After that, who knows?

“She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails.” ― Elizabeth Edwards

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What's your default? When things are falling apart, what is the stance you take? Where does your mind go first when things are going wrong? It says a lot about how you react to the bad things in life. It shows more about who you are deep down inside when everything is going wrong, than when things are going right. So, do you blame God? Do you run and hide? Do you blame others? Do you break down? Or is it some combination of all of the above? Are is it, that God is good, and whatever it is, will work out for your good? Do you trust God and keep your faith? Do you chose to respond, rather than react?

A lot has happened these last few months and I grew super bad about keeping my blog updated. I went through some amazing breakthroughs, but to get there I had to grow through some really hard tension and a lot of stretching, but in the end it was worth it. However, I still wasn't able to find a job and that put me in the place of not being able to stay on top of my bills. When, even though I was able to go home and enjoy Christmas with my family, it meant that I couldn't come back to school after Christmas break unless tuition was paid (I am still blown away by family who paid for my tickets). When I got back to Eureka, I wasn't able to pay my rent and I've had to juggle some bills, and figure things out. I sent out some support letters/emails/messages when I was home, and at times I felt like I was home just to fundraise. Which when everyone back home has supported me, believed in me, and prayed for me, was not how I wanted to spend my time. I was so thankful that I was able to be home for the short time that I was there.

Well, after not getting much of a response for the my last round of support letters, and spending the last couple of weeks doing nothing but looking for a job and STILL not having any luck, I've had to go to my default... which is God is good and it will work out. School started back without me and I kept believing it would work out, and then I still couldn't figure out how rent was going to get paid. I knew things could still work out, but my window of time for it to work out the way I want it was getting ever so small and I am so very, very tired of having to ask for money, when everyone has supported me so much this far and I live with three people who depend on rent being paid, that I've had to make some decisions that I didn't think I would have to make when the school year started.

These last few days I've had to go to my default and take up camp there. I've made some phone calls to friends where I cry and look at what my choices are and come up with a plan that can work. It hasn't been easy, and a lot of prayer and tears have gone into the plan I've come up with and I'm heartbroken. I've been fasting and praying and at the place where God is good and it will work out because I trust Him. However, facts are facts, and I have to think up something. So, by a miracle I was able to come up with my part of the rent, but that still leaves what should I do next?

Do stay here and know that I will be faced with the same problems in the next few weeks? Do I go back to Georgia? What should I do? After talking with the people I trust more than myself, and asking for prayer and wisdom, I've decided to move back to Georgia. My heart breaks just having to write it. I don't want to give up but time is running out and I can't keep doing this anymore. There are a lot of questions that I keep rolling around in my head and I'm sure they are will be asked by you so I figured I would just go ahead and post them here.

Do you want to go back to Georgia?

Not really. I miss parts of it but I'm past being homesick. When I moved out here, I hadn't planned on living in Georgia again, well, not for a long while. I thought that if I moved back it would be, at the very least, 4 years from when I moved out here.

What's next?

I don't know. I do know that I have friends who have promised girls night where I can cry, and start planning again. I know that God is still in control and hasn't left me to figure it out on my own. I took a HUGE step of faith moving out here and I'm still just trusting Him and praying about my next move.

Why move back?

I don't know where else to go. I'm not finding work, and this seems like the only thing for me to do. When doors keep closing you need to start looking for the ones that are open and right now that is my open door.

Will you try again next year?

I don't know. I don't know if I will be allowed back next year or if I should try to go to BSSM or BASSM or Glory School of Supernatural or if I should go back to college in Georgia. If I do try again next year, I won't move out here with out having tuition paid in full and perhaps a job lined up. There are things I will do different.

How are you moving back/when?

Same way I got out here, Peter! Mom said she would fly out here and we will drive non stop back. Peter loaded down and 40 some odd hours of the USA passing by. At the end of this month.

Where will you live when you go back?

Back at my mom's. Boomerang child status, here I come!

What about Layla?

She's coming with me!! I wouldn't drag her out here and not bring her back with me! She's my best friend and best listener that I have ever known, besides she has never really liked it here.

How are you feeling about all this?

Heartbroken, sad, upset, hurt, and so many more things. I have fallen in love with this place, and love it here. The summers are too cold for my liking but this has become my home and I love my church here and I have friends who have become like family. I don't want to leave but I don't know what else to do.

Do you think you made a mistake by moving out there/do you regret it/where you wrong in hearing God?

No to all of those. I would still do it again. I've made some amazing friends, and grown so much while here. I would not change a thing. I knew the risks when I came out here and I chose to do it anyway. I don't think I was wrong in hearing God. I know that God's ways are not my ways and that God is still good. I trust Him. He has me in His hands and I'm trusting Him.

What if everything somehow works out in the next 24 hours – week?

Then it works out. I know that anything could happen and I'm STILL believing that it will work out, but I need to have a plan B. I could get a check in the mail, or a phone call, or find a winning lotto ticket on the side of the road and then I don't move back. I meet with the school directors and see if I would be able to come back to school and go from there.

God is good...

I was playing a game on my phone today and I heard something in my spirit that made me turn it over a few times and then pick up my laptop to write it out. I heard, “You have to risk big to win big.” I had to let it sink in for a bit, in fact, it's still sinking in... It's true, though, you have to risk big to win big. Sometimes you fail big, but I'm learning that you can never really fail. Go with me on it, if God works everything out for the good of those who love Him, can you really fail?

That leads me to another big question – If you can't fail, then what is really holding you back? If you can't fail, then the excuse of being afraid to fail falls apart – so what's stopping you. I've been asking myself these questions and looking at what I thought were my failures and false starts, and I can see that it was good, that it didn't work out the way that I had it planned out. All those things have worked out for my good. So again, what's holding me back? What's stopping me from taking the world on?

So to win big, I need to risk big, and there's no failure... Whoa. Just let that sink in.... you can't fail. This is totally changing how I view my past, and how I'm planning my future. I've been in a lot of pain the last fews days, I fell and hurt my back somehow, but I know that the very minimum that will come out of this is good and I know that God is good. I don't know why bad things happen, but I do know good will come out of the bad – it's been promised and God ALWAYS keeps His promises. You can take that to the bank.

I don't know about you but I'm risking big. I took a big risk moving cross country, and I'm winning big, but I want to take more big risk. If I can't fail, then I'm going to chase these crazy dreams of mine down full force. If I fall or mess up, or it doesn't turn out the way I've planned it, then that's fine because at the end of the day God is good, and everything will work out for good. This is so exciting... I'll end with a line from some song by Superchick that I keep coming back to, “Failures are flyers who touch down, only they know what it's like to leave the ground.”

Boxes.

I went on a walk with a friend the other day and we were talking about how much I hate being put into a box, whether it be a box I made for myself or a box that other people have tired to force me into. I had the thought about how God must feel when we try to put Him in a boxes we've made. I know a lot of my boxes are being broken this school year, and I keep being amazed at the boxes I had that I didn't know I had. God keeps reveling Himself to me in ways I didn't know were possible. I keep changing and my view of God keeps changing with it. I don't think God is changing but I know that I as I go deeper and deeper in God, my view of Him keeps shifting and changing how I see the rest of the world.

Later that night, in a meeting, I said something to that same friend – the more and more you look at Jesus the more and more you start to look like Him and become who He is. The same is true about the boxes, the more boxes you break about God the more and more you break boxes about yourself. The more you look like Jesus, the less and less you fit into a box. Funny isn't it? The more we find out who we are the more we don't fit into who/what we thought or other people thought about us.

It's crazy when I think about how much I have changed in the 9 or 10 weeks we have had class, I know I talked about it some in my last post, but I'm not the same person who made that post. It's crazy how much I am growing week to week. Don't worry, I still love a good pair of 5 inch heels, and I'm still missing hockey (lockout end soon, please!). It' more that I'm understanding more about whose I am and from there I'm understanding more about who I am. I've noticed that in me changing that Layla's been changing too. At first I was worried but then I realized she sees the change in my and it's changing her too. She's relaxed a lot over these last few months, while she still has some issues with being insecure, she's not nearly has bad as she used to be and I'm believing she'll have no security issues by the end of the school year! She'll carry so much peace, that she will change the world! Hey, if God can use an ass, He can surely use my dog.

Sorry it's been so long...

How can I put into words everything that's happened the last month? How can I even start to talk about how much I have changed? I'm not the person I was a few weeks ago and a few weeks ago I wasn't the person I was when I left Georgia... I mean I still love sweet tea and a good hockey game (can the lock out end already?) but I don't recognize the girl the drove 5 days in a Passat with a dog across 12 states to get a small school that most people hadn't even heard of, let alone knew anything about it.

I've had to sit back and rethink some of the things I had grew up believing or was taught in Sunday School... it hasn't been easy to sit in a class and shift through all the things I've believed the last 26 years of my life and then to be like "I don't think that's true or right..." and then go home a dig through the Bible to find some truth in what to believe. I've been tweaked to the point of wanting to punch someone on the face (I don't think I've ever felt so violent towards a pastor before) and pissed of to the point where I had no clue what I was feeling. It's been good though... I've discovered things I didn't know I could and asked some pretty big questions in the process.

I've also dug through some pretty big lies in my life... I won't go into all of the dirty details here... but I've learned a lot about not going through life alone. I've always tended to keep people at an arms length... especially the last few years after Noah died. Something amazingly wonderful happened on his birthday this year. I won't share the long story but the jest is - my roommates, a couple of friends and I released balloons on the beach after writing Noah letters. I was blown away by the fact that they wanted to write letters with me and that they cared so much, because I cared. They gathered around me and made sure I had a great day, and I did. I've learned a lot about not self isolating myself.

I'm settling in more here and it's starting to feel like home, even though I still miss home, I'm not homesick like I was when I first got here. I'm falling in love with the area and the people here. I'm so blown away by how my church family and School of Supernatural family back home come together and blessed my socks off yesterday. I can't put into words how much it means to me or even began to say thank you. I love them and miss the so much. I can't wait to see them in person to hug and thank them.

Well, I'm at the laundromat and my clothes are almost dry so I need to get going - good news, we'll be getting wifi at the townhouse soon, so I'll be able to update more often. Until then, be blessed, and know I love y'all.

Wow....

A lot has happened in the past couple of weeks - some good, some bad, and some in between. It's hard to put into words everything that has been happening here. We had a few roommate tiffs but we've worked through them. God has blown our socks off in getting rent paid for this month. I'm still looking for a job... in fact my whole house is looking for work. It's hard being in a new place and being on your own; I think I'm passed wanting to run to the safety of home. I'm starting to feel like I belong here and really getting into hangout with the other students. I can't wait to see what God is going to do next.

I'm starting to realize that a lot of what I feel isn't mine and that I pick up in what's going on around me. It's cool because I don't have to accept feeling that way and I know better how to pray. Realizing that has made settling in so much easier! It's made my homesickness better, as well. It was so wonderful to realize this, considering that I live in a city that has a lot of darkness, and depression in it. I feel like there will be a shift in this city and that peace and joy will come to Eureka.

I still don't know what's going to happen when it comes to school and a job. I'm trying to email support letters out in the next week and hopefully something will come of that. I set up a fund me page but nothing has happened with that yet. Support me if you feel led! Go here: http://www.gofundme.com/172w44 I'm trying no to worry or stress about it but it can be hard when I look at what's in my bank account or when my car starts acting up. God's provided every step of the way and I'm sure He'll keep it up!

I'm really loving getting to know the other students here! We've come from all over, and each have such different backgrounds and giftings! It's been so wonderful to see us all grow together and become this family. I love how we all fit together and I'm excited to see what will happen as the year goes on. I'm starting to feel like I belong and fit in, which is so cool! I love hanging out with these peeps during and after school.

Wow, I had a lot to say, thanks for bearing with me until the end. I'll try to update soon, but no internet has made it hard, and I don't like the iPhone app. Love y'all!

Still no internet, on class overload...

Well, I still have no internet at home so I'm stuck going to coffee shops to get my homework done and I'm putting it off to type this out... I'm overload with homework this week and it's the second week of class... it makes me wonder what the rest of the school year is going to look like. I've been wondering a lot lately if I made the right choice to move out here, since things haven't been working out. I still have no job and I'm not sure how things are going to work out in the next couple of days...

I'm loving school, it's just a lot of information that's been thrown at me at one time. I'm still trying to get into the grove of things. I love the teaches and the culture of honor that the school is instilling us with, and the example that they are in place for us to follow. They are all pushing us to be the best we can be, as cheesy as that sounds.

I'm still homesick. I miss the heat and the south so much, and my friends and family back home. I've been sick the last few days and it's been a reminder how far from home I am... I'm settling in here but it doesn't feel like home here. I miss the Georgia fall and sweet tea, and being ma'amed....

I'm 26 now.... I don't know if my birthday had happened last post but it was pretty awesome, I got to see the redwoods, and walk to the edge of a cliff. We also had a HUGE banana spit, and a bonfire that night at the beach. Oh, and got a free breakfast that morning. My roommates made me breakfast in bed the following morning.

Well, that's all I have time for... I need to finish up here and get back to bed.

Week One/I Have A Home!!!

So wow.... this was the first week of school... wow. We (my fellow classmates and I) had our faces rocked off my God. We started the week with worship - amazing! I love worship and just getting to refocus on God and letting go of whatever is going on. I didn't look for a house this week - I returned on email but other than that I made no calls and sent no emails what so ever. Last Sunday I felt like I needed to hand it over to God and that's what I did. After spending all last week beating myself bloody I let it go.

On Labor Day my other housemates turned looking for a house into a treasure hunt, they wrote down what they felt the Lord telling them about the house and set off to look for it that way, while I finished my homework for school. After getting no phone calls or emails last week, we were amazed when we got a bunch back. One person said they thought the two bedroom town house would be too small or 4 girls but when one of the house mates asked him to let us look at it anyway he said he would and set up an appointment to see it before the open house he set up.

We got there in time to look at and pray over the property before he got there and I brought Layla along since she is a good judge of things. I know if she doesn't want to go a certain way, we shouldn't be going down that path. Anyway we fell in love with the bright blue house with the huge fenced in yard. Layla approved and we prayed for God's will in this matter.

When the landlord got there we looked at the first town home, it wasn't ready and we talked with him about the price of each townhouse and the deposit (both WAY cheaper than anything else we had looked at), and asked about pet fees... and he said that there are NONE. In the less than petfriendly town he is charging us NOTHING EXTRA for the pets. Oh, and NO APP FEES either, everyone else was telling us between $20-$40 person for the app alone and that adds up fast, as in one place it would have cost us $120 in app fees, and then pet fees (two of us have dogs btw) and then the deposit, and first month's rent.

We then headed over to the second one and it was ready to rent, but he said that it would be next week before we could move in if everything went according to plan. Bummer for the two of us who's host homes are ready for us to leave. He told us he would email out the apps and then to give them back to him the following day.

Well, when Thursday rolled around, one of the housemates found out she needed move Friday because she couldn't stay at her host home any longer. So she called the landlord and ask if there was a way to speed it up and for us to move in on Friday, well, he told her that the soonest would be Saturday since he needs 24 hours to process the apps. So we got them to him Thursday after school and after praying over them... a lot.

So today is a day off from school (it's Sunday - Thursday for those who wonder) and the housemate who has a dog and I met at a park for a doggie play date this afternoon. I had a job interview this AM... pray for that please. So the pups had fun and then we prayed before we left. So a couple of hours after I got back to my host home I got a text saying that WE GOT THE HOUSE AND CAN MOVE IN TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We met him tomorrow at 11 AM (2 PM for my East Coast Family) and give him the money and sign the lease and get the keys! God is so good and so on time!

So I'm going to be without in the interwebs for a while, since we still need to set that up BUT I'll try to update at some point during the next week. Y'all be good!!!