Sunday, March 12, 2017

The End

Vodka Boy,
Here is our end. This is my goodbye. I'm done chasing you. I'm worth more than half truths and silence. I'm worth more than stolen kissing and indifference. I'm not asking for rainbows and unicorns. I want steady and security. I want long talks and laughter. I want messages without hidden meanings. I wanted you. I thought I needed you. I can't force these things from you and it's not fair for me to ask them of you. You didn't want a relationship, and I couldn't figure out what I wanted. I still don't know everything I want but I'm starting to learn it's not you. I can't do distance and silence. I need talking and knowing where I stand. I can't do the closeness and the cold pushing away. I can't do this deadly dance that we do. We're not healthy together. I need healthy. I need support. I'm not going to battle your demons when I can barely battle my own.

Oil and water. Fire and ice. Water and air. We don't mix well. How can oil and water mix? How can fire and ice get along? How can a bird love a fish? I'll burn you. You'll turn me to smoke. I can't set the world ablaze with you. You can't fly with me. We don't mix. It's taken my heart time to see that. I can't chase down your fears and soothe my own. I can't earn a trust that was never mine.

I can't fix you. I can't heal your pain. I can't erase her. And I think that's what it comes to, I'm not her and I don't want to pay for her sins. I'm not Jesus. She hurt you and took your best. She left a deep scar and I'm not the one to save you. She broke your trust and I'm paying for it. It's not fair. She did horrible things, but I'm not her. You have to let her go to gain freedom. You have to let her go to move forward. You can't drown in hate and love someone else. You have to chose one.

5 poems and regret. That's what I leave with. And perhaps a deeper understanding of who I am or maybe, a deeper understanding of what I'm not. I'll take my poems and leave it at that. You'll become the boy that almost got me. A drunken mistake in my story. A drunken mistake that almost did me in and a night of regret that I tried to justify. I'll become the girl that tired to land you. The girl that was mildly crazy and couldn't heal you. Just a blimp in your world. A close call.

You'll never read this. I'll never send it. I'll move on and leave you behind. I've said my goodbyes and gotten what I needed.


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