Today is World Suicide Prevention Day, and I have "What's a Boy To Do" by Mat Kearney playing - followed by his songs "Breath In Breath Out" and finally I'll listen to "Girl America". There's reason why I have the songs on while I write this blog on my blog that I forget about most days. "What's A Boy To Do" is about a boy struggling to find his place and to figure out what to do and in the end he jumps off a bridge. It's not the happiest song in the world but there's something honest in the lyrics that kept me coming back to it. I normally tear up towards the end of the song.
It didn't have that effect until after my little brother took his own life and now that song strikes so close to home I can't help it. I don't know how my little brother struggled with his Bi-Polar Disorder or how what battle he lost that day, I do know however, there's a huge hole left where he should be - I know I very rarely listen to Mat Kearney's album "Nothing Left to Lose" because that was the last it was the last album I sheared with him. "Girl America" is the last song we listened to together, we talked about the meaning pulled apart the lyrics. The memories tied with this album are too painful for me to pull it out most days so it sits on my iPod and waits for rare moments like this when I can dust it off and listen to it again.
Like I said I don't know what battled his lost the day he chose to end his life or what his last thought was when he put a gun to his head. I know my life was forever changed and in the end I lost a lot more than my little brother, and my life will never be the same. I won't go into every thing I lost but I will say, I almost let it destroy my life. In the end however, I've chosen to let it change me for the better. I've decided to use his death to better who I am as person, and change how I look at people. I chose not to let it make me angry or bitter but rather let me have more compassion and love for people who are hurting. I've let his death be used in a way that makes me a better person.
I will never know why he did and I will never stop missing him. I feel that suicide is preventable, and a lot of times we miss the red flags until it's too late, I know I missed the warning signs - everyone close to him did. I know everyone life is important. I know if you are sitting a lone and feel that you don't matter right now, that it's a lie and you do matter, you matter so much! You are loved even though you may think you aren't. Don't buy the lie. Don't rob the world of you. Don't leave a hole in your family like my little brother did, because you will leave a huge, gaping hole. I've seen it first hand, you may feel like your family doesn't love you but they do - I know because I would trade almost anything to bring my little brother back and everyone I've talked who as lost someone to suicide would do the same. I know what whatever it is you are going through will get better if you just hold on and give it time. Don't be afraid to get help.
If you've lost someone to suicide, I'm sorry, I know what it's like. I'll urge to face the world a day at a time and it will get easier. Get up and get out of the house, cling to the friends who've stayed by you and little by little things will get better. Don't lose hope because there is hope in each new day. I know it's hard, but don't let it destroy your life, use this to make your life better - take the harder road. Hold on. Talk about it, and what you are going through. You are not a lone, get help if you need too, because it's a hard thing to go through on your own.