Saturday, January 19, 2008

Why have You forsaken me?

I know two posts in a week or has it been two? Anyways two posts in the same month on a blog that no one really reads. I started to post this to my myspace page but chose here instead. I like my blogger more I guess. Anyways enough of my rambling.

‘My God, my God why have You forsaken me?’ is something that I find myself asking a lot these days. Now I know what Hebrews 13:5 says ‘I will never leave nor forsake you.’ I just help but feeling that these days. I know God is some where is this mess I’ve made called my life but lately I’m having a hard time seeing Him in this big mess. In fact I find even praying has also grown hard. There was a time not too long ago everything was looking up. Funny how much things can change in a month.

I feel like I have been making mistakes left and right lately. Maybe they are not mistakes, I guess only time will tell but my world feels like it is constantly changing and it’s making my life that much harder. I keep telling myself that the choices I’m making are not permanent and I can change them if I so chose to in the coming months. It’s just that I want to see the big picture of my life and be where God wants me to be and that’s hard when I don’t feel Him around right now. I know He has to be here somewhere.

Praying used to be so open between God and I. I would pray when I woke up, in the car, in the shower, at work, at school, before going to bed. Now I have a hard time just praying during my quite time. Heck I haven’t had my quite time in almost two weeks. It’s just to hard. I don’t know what to say to God right now. Right after Noah died I felt God. I could really feel His arms around me and now I just feel alone in this world. It’s a new feeling for me. Well, not so much as new just something I haven’t felt in a long time. I find myself not knowing what to say when I pray and just leaving God hanging. Kind of like talking on the phone when no one is saying anything but no one hangs up either. I guess it goes back to the not feeling God right now.

I feel angry some days, sorrow others and happy on the in between days. I guess that’s just the never ending changing that is my life lately. I wish I could move in from here and fast forward a few years and other days I wish I could wake up and find that this past month was just one big nightmare and it never really happened. There is a story about a man who died and God showed him his life as footprints in the sand. During the good times there were two sets of footprints the man’s and God but during the hard times there was only one set of foot prints. The man asked God why that during the worse and hardest time in his life he walked alone. God answered the man that it was at those time He carried the man. I guess I’m at a time where God is carrying me even though I can’t feel Him right now.

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