Unclever thoughts on divorce.

When you sit down and think about all the people who are affected by divorce it is scary. I can count on one hand the number of people I know whose parents are still together. When my mom divorced my father I was still a baby and I can only remember the horror stories that I've overheard being told to other family members when I was growing up and in a lot of ways I am grateful for being so young I don't remember it. My mom married my step-father when I was only two so there was a short time when I had two "fathers" in my life. Sadly though neither one earned the name. I was raised to believe that there are very few things to justify a divorce... call it growing up in a Christian home or whatever. I've spent the past couple of days reading through my bible to see what it says when it comes to divorce... maybe I want to justify my feelings toward the divorce my mom is about to go through or perhaps I'm tried of feeling guilty for being happy deep down about it. I've even spent time praying about it and what it really boils down to is it's not for me to worry about or have my say in. My heart is breaking for my little brother who is having to watch his parents fall apart, while part of me is wondering if this is for the better?

Someone asked me the other day 'Why don't they just work things out?' I had to fight the urge to hit them in the nose. The truth is I've been to the therapy sessions... and I've taken part in them and the problems that have been haunting this family aren't going to be fixed short of a miracle happening. Sometimes people let their heart get so hard from holding on to past hurts and they refuse to let anyone near them. They can't feel God's love for them and they can't feel the love others have (or had) for them. Most of all they won't allowed themselves to love others. They can't forgive or accept forgiveness for the tiniest of things. I've seen it happen first hand and I know how hard it is to live with someone like that. Living with someone who has all this anger and hatred bottled up is hard on so many levels... you don't know when they could go off or what will set them off or who will feel it or who will do it. Emotionally it is draining because when they do go off verbally they will tear you apart, you learn from a young age how to develop thick skin. Physically I am tense all the time and I'm on edge as soon as I walk through the door at home. Spiritually self-esteem points are lost because as many times as you tell yourself not to listen to what was said you about you or how many times you say to yourself 'It's just a lie' you do and it still gets to your heart.

People won't change unless they want to... simply put and so very true. The first step is admitting you have a problem and when people see no problem then there is no need to change in their eyes. I could list every problem I see but I would need help removing my plank from my eye before it would be of any use. I don't believe the person is a hopeless cause because one of the things that God has taught me in my short 19 years of life is no matter where we are He still loves us and can't wait for us to come home and above all He can do all things.