Dear body, 

You are a work of art. You've been pushed to the brink and have never given up. You have survived drinking all night, junk food binges, a tattoo, and more holes than I can count. You are marked with scars that tell the story of never giving up. You house a mind that is remarkable and a heart that is courageous.  You've broken bones and broken boards. You are no longer 21, but just as beautiful, if not more beautiful. Yes, you no longer fit in those jeans, but you are still amazing. You've run races, fought battles, and fallen. You've failed, but you have also won wars. You've taken a pounding, but you have never faltered. 

You do not fit the mold, but rather you redefine your worth. You're fearless and brave. You don't fit the world's standard of beauty, but you are breathtaking nonetheless. You've won State Champ, and can kick someone upside the head. You are not perfect, but your imperfections make you jaw dropping. My dear, your picture is beside the very definition of kick ass. Fear has no place in your world. 

You have self infected scars that tell the story of heartache and learning to love again. Your scars are not marked with shame but tell how far you have come. You have survived late nights, drunken fights, and cigarettes. And you are beautiful. There have been broken hearts, and all nighters. There have been nights where you've cried yourself to sleep. You've weathered both with style. You've made it up in the morning ready to fight again. You have redefined yourself, and learned from your mistakes. 

I have failed you, and hated you. I've wished for thinner thighs, and a smaller waist. I've hated you, and cursed you. I've forgotten that you have always shown up for the fight. I've abused you, and used you. I've not stood up for you, and have let others put you down. I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for the abuse, and self hate. I'm sorry for the times I've failed you, but I love you. I love your jiggles and squishy waist. I love those long legs, and killer eyes. I love your smile, those thighs, and scars.  You are unique and amazing. Simply breathtaking. 

Love, 

Me

The End

Vodka Boy,
Here is our end. This is my goodbye. I'm done chasing you. I'm worth more than half truths and silence. I'm worth more than stolen kissing and indifference. I'm not asking for rainbows and unicorns. I want steady and security. I want long talks and laughter. I want messages without hidden meanings. I wanted you. I thought I needed you. I can't force these things from you and it's not fair for me to ask them of you. You didn't want a relationship, and I couldn't figure out what I wanted. I still don't know everything I want but I'm starting to learn it's not you. I can't do distance and silence. I need talking and knowing where I stand. I can't do the closeness and the cold pushing away. I can't do this deadly dance that we do. We're not healthy together. I need healthy. I need support. I'm not going to battle your demons when I can barely battle my own.

Oil and water. Fire and ice. Water and air. We don't mix well. How can oil and water mix? How can fire and ice get along? How can a bird love a fish? I'll burn you. You'll turn me to smoke. I can't set the world ablaze with you. You can't fly with me. We don't mix. It's taken my heart time to see that. I can't chase down your fears and soothe my own. I can't earn a trust that was never mine.

I can't fix you. I can't heal your pain. I can't erase her. And I think that's what it comes to, I'm not her and I don't want to pay for her sins. I'm not Jesus. She hurt you and took your best. She left a deep scar and I'm not the one to save you. She broke your trust and I'm paying for it. It's not fair. She did horrible things, but I'm not her. You have to let her go to gain freedom. You have to let her go to move forward. You can't drown in hate and love someone else. You have to chose one.

5 poems and regret. That's what I leave with. And perhaps a deeper understanding of who I am or maybe, a deeper understanding of what I'm not. I'll take my poems and leave it at that. You'll become the boy that almost got me. A drunken mistake in my story. A drunken mistake that almost did me in and a night of regret that I tried to justify. I'll become the girl that tired to land you. The girl that was mildly crazy and couldn't heal you. Just a blimp in your world. A close call.

You'll never read this. I'll never send it. I'll move on and leave you behind. I've said my goodbyes and gotten what I needed.

Christina

At what point do you say my heart is worth more than this? At what point to you give up? At what point do you let go and walk away? When is okay to stand up for your heart? When is it okay to stop chasing?

I liked you. 

I liked you a lot. 

I liked the possibility of us. 

I liked the butterflies. 

I liked your arms. 

Now my heart hurts over the loss of the possibility. 

I'm lonely now. 

The butterflies have left. 

Do I hold on?

Do I mourn the loss? 

Do I give up?

I know I should let you go. You're not mine. You never were. So why do I want to go back to your bed. Beg you to stay. Beg you to pay attention to me. Why is it your arms I long to  be in? Your lips I want to kiss. 

I know I should walk away. This will only end in my heart break. I've worked too hard to keep my heart safe for me to put it on my sleeve now. So why do I keep reaching out to you? You're not healthy and I've been fighting to stay healthy, so why do I keep running to you?

You're like a drug I can't quit. 

For the Tough Girls

Dear Boy, 

You want a tough girl. You want a strong girl. She will make your life so much richer. I know she can seem scary and she acts like she doesn't need you. She doesn't need a man to help her build shelves or change the oil in her car. She knows the basics of car maintenance, and how to fix almost anything that breaks. She can pay her own bills and fight her own battles. She doesn't need you change air filters or a flat tire. She can take care of herself. 

But she wants you. She wants your love and your heart. She doesn't need you to save the day, she wants you to help her save the day. She's going to want you on lonely nights and she's going to want you on her adventures. She doesn't need you to change her, she wants you for the journey. She tough as nails and needs you to remind her she can be soft. She's going to need you to remind her she doesn't have to be tough all the time. 

She's going to grow to need you, give her time. She can't always fight battles alone. Sometimes, she will need you to have her back. She's used to going this journey alone and she's going to need time to get used to having someone there. She'll grow to need you on her side. She'll learn how two are better than one if you give her a chance. She's going to challenge you, and make you better. 

She'll wake you up in the middle of the night to see the stars and midnight trips to the beach. She'll be the perfect ally in this world. She'll be loyal to the end if you treat her well. Give her flowers. She'll act like doesn't want flowers but she does. No one has given them to her. She'll dream big and let you be a part of those dreams. She'll be wild and free and bring you along. 

She'll need you be tough to let her have a chance to be soft. She'll learn to soften and let people in.  She'll let you take the lead. She just needs to know you're in this just as much as she is. She has to learn to trust you. 

Trusting you is what it will come down too. Are you going to man up or are you going to run away? Tough girls need a man. A man who will presue her, and be trustworthy. You can't fake it because she will see through you. She needs a man who won't control her or try to change her. She needs a man who will let her grow into a strong woman. Tough girls grow to be strong unshakeable women. She'll be a wildflower, rare and beautiful.

She'll let you in, and bring you on her adventures. She will. Give her space. Give her time. Be patient. Love her and let her grow. 

Seven

Seven years. Seven Christmases. Seven Easters. Seven Summers. Seven Birthdays. Seven years asking God why. Somedays it feels like decades. Somedays the pain comes crashing through thick and fresh like it was yesterday. Most days I am fine, I forget to remember. I go weeks without remembering my little brother and what happened. I refuse to think that things are normal but like to think that I'm moving on. I read a quote one time about the pain of losing a love one never really leaves us but rather our hearts grow to be able to handle the pain. I still miss Noah, but if given the choice to have him back I don't think I could make that call. I'm happy with my life and I've seen good come out of my loss but I still miss him. I miss his annoying voice and how it drove me crazy when he called me sis. I miss his annoying face and his annoying self. I miss my annoying little brother. I miss the good and sometimes I forget the bad. The stealing and the lying, and pain of having someone who was bipolar in the same house. What's done is done and I've spent the last seven years moving forward and becoming a better person.

I've spent seven years hating this date. Dec. 12. I marks the anniversary of when my world came crashing down. It marks the end of the 21 year old girl I was. It marks the day I found out that my worse nightmares wouldn't kill me. It reminds me of who I was and what I could have been. It reminds me of all the people who left me. It reminds me of pain. It reminds me of what I've lost.

Perhaps that is the problem. Today reminds me of loss and pain. I normally spend today trying to numb that pain, but this year due to plans and schedule changes I think I'll embrace that pain. His life was worth it. I'll let the waves of grief wash over me and I'll push through. He was worth it, even as annoying as he was, I miss him. I’m past wondering what he would have grown into and wondering what kind of man he would have become. My dreams are no longer haunted by snapshots of a family he wouldn’t have the chance to have. This day, however, takes back to those hours after I got the news.

I feel the pain of that 21 year old girl again and remind myself of the good and happy memories — sitting in my car listening to Mat Kearney, his teasing about my expensive taste in shoes, or his love of the color green. I’ll remind myself of the happy things that have happened in the last seven years — the friends, the trips, the goals I've reached, the dreams I carry in my heart, and I’ll cry, laugh, and smile today. I’ll remind myself that numbing pain only makes it worse and hold onto the promise that this won’t kill me.

Today won’t kill me.

Today I will remember a little brother, in all his faults, that I loved, Because even as broken as I was, I still loved him. I will remember him.

Even though he was annoying, he was my little brother.

Just Dance, Just Sing, Just Worship

There are somethings in life you just need to dance through. You have to find that faint beat in the mist of the overwhelming pain and move your feet and hips in time. Something powerful happens when you dance in worship and the power doesn’t lessen when you are dancing through pain. I’ve found that the pain lessens with the dancing. It doesn’t matter what I am feeling when I start dancing but dancing helps me let go and find healing and strength. 

I once read a story about demons running when a dancer started dancing in worship. The people were having a hard time getting into the worship - even the worship band was having a hard time, but when she starting moving the place went into a new realm of worship. Someone later said they saw demons sitting on the wall watching but when the dancer stood up the started shaking and when she started dancing they fled. There’s something powerful in letting go and getting lost in dancing in worship to the one true King. Dancing in worship makes the demons flee.

There was a time when I was in terrible back pain and was having back spasms. My roommates at the time had to help me get in and out of the car and up and down the stairs. I went for prayer but it didn’t help for long. Finally I went to the local healing rooms, because the pain was so unbearable. I felt a little better but the pain was still there, then one of the people praying for me said, “back pain isn’t apart of your identity!” I realized I had to make a choice - I could chose to dance in pain or let the pain keep me from doing what I love and feel called to do. I chose to dance through the pain. The more and more I danced the less and less the pain was. I am a dancer at the very core of my being! I was made to hear the faint beat and move in worship. Since then I have danced through heart break, grief, mistakes, and joy. My heart was born in the deep wells of worship and spills out of my very being. So I dance, in the good and the bad. 

I was sharing this idea of dancing with a dear friend of mine and he told me that is why he just sings sometimes. That he will just sit at his keyboard, play and sing. There are times in his life that he has to sing through. So maybe dancing isn’t what you need to do, perhaps, like my friend, it’s singing or maybe it’s painting, it could be writing or cooking, my point is there is something you can do that is worship and sometimes when we hit rock bottom, not knowing if we can pick ourselves up, that we worship. When we find ourselves down we worship. We worship our heavenly Father and not look at what is going on around us. We each have our own way of worshiping and sometimes you have to worship through the pain. 

So perhaps the challenge is this, do you trust God enough to worship Him in the lowest of moments? Do you believe that, despite what is going on around you, you can change the atmosphere with the way you worship? Are you willing to show the devil up and worship your Father in those secret times when you feel all is lost? 

I'm Better Off With Out You

I hope you think of me at Red Robin, Sundays, and in Nashville. I hope there are moments when you still want to pick up the phone and call. I hope there are times when you miss me still. I have those times. I hope you never forget the good times we shared. 

I hope you go days and don't think of me. I hope there are moments marked with happiness and joy. I hope don't miss me often. I hope you are chasing those dreams we shared so long ago. I hope you do well and wish you well in all you do. I hope you have made peace with our past. 

I hope you have learned how to let go and be yourself. I hope you are dreaming your own dreams. I hope you have learn how to stand on your own. I hope you have found something to be passionate about. I hope you storm the gates of hell doing what you love. 

I hope you no are no longer stuck in anyone else's shadow. I hope you are no longer paying for someone else's mistakes. I hope there is a fire in your soul pushing you to be the best you can. I hope you are so set on fire for God that there is nothing that can put it out. 

I hope you have friends that with stick with you no matter what. I hope you have peace. I hope you have more grace than you know what do with. 

I wish you well. I wish you the best. I wish we ended better. I wish our chapter didn't leave such a bitter taste. I wish forgiving you didn't take me as long as it did. I wish it was less like a divorce and more letting go. I wished we went out with a bang and not the explosion that left our friends picking sides and broken and bruised by the aftershock. 

I wish I could have loved your better in my brokenness. I wish I could have been the person you needed. I wish we could have survived it and came out as friends. 

I wish. I wish. I wish. 

I forgive. I ask for forgiveness. I've learned not to hold into those wishes and looking back. We could have been great, but we'll be greater apart. I dream bigger without you. I'm a better person without you. I've learned to heal and more about God than I could have ever with you and I'm okay with that. I'm okay without you.  

Why I gave my TWLOHA WSPD Bracelet Away

I sat in my friends car tonight and listen as she talked about the things in her life that had happened in the past couple of weeks. Things spiraled out of control and when faced with the choice to live or die, she chose life. She has a hard time getting there and a hard road ahead of her. She's got some amazing people around her and praying for her. She's fighting. She's not giving up. She's still here. All those things are important. She is important. She is going to change to the world. She cannot be replaced.

As we sat in her dark car talking over coffee, I couldn't help but remember all the other times we sat and talked, sometimes coming up with our crazy inside jokes that we still laugh about over a year later and sometimes in the dark confessing the darker things that have happened over the years. We talked tonight about those darker things and the battle we both sometimes have to fight. She told me of what she wrote me in her suicide note and how she just wanted to end the fighting. She told me of the days after and the choices she was forced to make. She let me in. She broke down a wall. We both wiped tears from our eyes.

This past National Suicide Prevention Week, To Write Love on Her Arms sold a t-shirt, bracelet, and pamphlet pack, and I got one in memory of my little brother. I've worn the bracelet every day since in his memory. It's white and in big orange letters it boldly states “YOU CANNOT BE REPLACED”. At some point in the middle of the conversion I handed it to her. I realized she needed that reminder far more than I did.

Mama Said There Would be Days Like This

There are days when I don't feel so awesome. There are times when I don't know what I am doing with my life. I have times of doubt and times when I'm so tired of pushing that I'm seconds from walking away. There are moments when it all feels so meaningless. I have times when I feel like all I've done is make mistake after mistake and I'll never get it right. There are even times when all those words and promises that have been spoken over me, feel like lies or they were meant for someone else - someone better than me. 

Those are the moments, hours, days, and seasons when I have to step back and ask what God is saying over me. It's in those times I have look in God's face and remind myself that He doesn't make mistakes. I have to remind myself that I'm still learning and that it's okay to fall. I have to let go. 

I have to let go of plans and ideas. I have to let go of my timeline. I have to remember that even though my days are numbered that my days aren't coming to end just yet. I have to let go of what I thought should have happened by now and count all the things that have already happened.  I have to remind myself that I am not behind - I'm not running a race against my friends. Life isn't a  competition. 

It's so easy to get lost in what the world around me is feeling and to get sucked into those moments when I don't feel at my best. It would be so simple and easy to just stay in that pit. 

I've learned it's okay to not be okay, but it's not okay to stay that way. When the fog starts to set in, I've learned to shake it off and look up. I keep moving forward, especially when I don't feel like. I don't let what I feel decide how I act. I let my feelings show me when I need healing and then I move forward. I dig in deep with my Heavenly Father and let Him speak truth. I remind myself that those words and promises are for me, mistakes and all. The more and more healing I've gotten and fewer and fewer times I feel those things and the shorter and shorter those feelings stay. 

An Open Letter to the Warren Family

This is an open letter to Rick Warren and family or anyone else who has lost someone to suicide or just lost someone. My little brother committed suicide almost 5.5 years ago, and when I heard about Matthew Warren I thought about what I wished someone had told me.

Dear Pastor Warren and family,

Let me start this by saying how very sorry I am for your loss, and my heart goes out to you. I know the road you are walking down is a hard one. There are no words that I can say to ease your pain, even though I've walked down this road, every one greaves differently and what helped me won't necessarily work for you. I could quote Bible verses, but I literally wanted to punch everyone who did that in the face. I could tell you that God was angry at you and that is why this happen, but that would be a lie. God isn't angry - He is mourning with you. I wish I could take away the pain or had "5 Easy Step to Healing" but I can't and I don't. I guess you would be wondering what's the point of this letter… see all I can so is tell you what I wished someone had told me.

1) It's not your fault. There was nothing you could have said or done to change the out come. No phone call or I love you, it was totally out of your control.

2) You are not alone. You don't have to battle this by yourself. Find someone to listen and talk, or go to the movies. We aren't meant to be alone and there are people who will hold your hand as you go through this, and those friends are worth more than gold.

3) It will get better. I'm not saying that the pain will be gone, but it will be easier.

4) It's okay to be angry. Yell at God if you need too, He can take it. ;)

5) You will find joy in the mourning. It may take time but joy will come back and it will be different.

6) Good will come out of this. I know it's hard to see it right now but one day you will. God can turn anything in to good, and I mean ANYTHING.

7) "It's okay to not be okay, but it's not okay to stay that way." Those are words that I was told this past year and they helped me so much. It meant that pain mattered and I was allowed to feel it. It also meant that I could get through this, and that I could over come it. Life is about moving forward after all.

8) Look for God. I've found that if I look for God, matter how bad the tragedy is, I will find Him. It's times when I don't see God, I realize that I am not looking for Him.

That's all I have.

Keeping y'all close in my prayers,

Christina